Self-inflicted Wounds of
the Unexamined Mind

As I mentioned in the first article, six weeks ago I felt my world was coming to an end. The supreme irony is had I listened better, had I not believed my own fears and thoughts, I'd have experienced very little in the way of consequences, negative or otherwise. Something would be different, but my actions and relationships going forward would be virtually unchanged.

Researchers say over 98% of our actions are not under our conscious control. Our subconscious reactions guide the vast majority of responses and how we react. I know this sounds absurd, at least until you really start researching the matter. Look deeply into your own reactions and 98% seems a bit low. When a particular event occurs, under a given set of circumstances, we react very predicably based on our own unique histories: someone cuts you off in traffic you get mad; someone says something kind, you feel warmth. Often knowing it doesn't help. I saw this in one of my children. She is the baby of the family and probably about twenty at the time. Her older sister was really good at pushing her buttons. She came in, almost in tears over something trivial her older sister had said. I pointed out her older sister was intentionally getting under her skin and if she really wanted to get back at her, all she need do is not react. She agreed, but still let the words affect her.

Most of our reactions are not this obviously counter-productive, but it hits us all. Six weeks ago, I was hit in a particularly vulnerable achilles heel. For the last four weeks I have been working to find what is the problem, what I can change, and how to end my suffering.

A little over a week ago I had a breakthrough, of sorts. For what I was afraid of, my revelation may have been too little, too late. If the fears I had several weeks ago come to pass, it will be of my doing.

I never said anything in anger, or allowed hurt feelings to let me lash out. However, my actions, made in desparation and trying to prevent the worst, may have ensured the very thing I feared. The one saving grace is now I can accept whatever happens, no matter which way things fall.

Our thoughts can be our own worst enemy. Much as the person desparate for love drives away potential suitors, our mind can sabatoge that we wish for most.

Learning to recognize your thoughts is no easy feat. It takes practice. Though I have made a start, it will take me many years of catching the thoughts "in the act" and working to break mental habits I've developed since the age of two, assuming I can keep it up. That said, being free and at peace is worth the effort.