Agendas

A meeting agenda provides structure, makes sure important items are covered, and keeps the meeting from spiraling out of control. They come in handy.

Whenever you mentally rehearse what you'll say, for a situation with emotional import, be it talking to a girlfriend over an important issue, manuevering the boss into giving you a raise, or confronting the neighbor about his dog crapping on your lawn, be careful you don't have a hidden agenda. Agenda, in this case, is another word for manipulation. Manipulation is a dirty word for a good reason. No one likes being on the receiving end.

While it's not usually conscious, we all do this. The key is to recognize it at the point it's a forming thought. Do you want to be a manipulative person? Most of us don't, which is why we hide it from ourselves. Having an agenda isn't destructive but a hidden agenda is. An open and honest request is made from an honorable position, irrespective of the outcome.

Using emotionally charged elements in requests, invoking guilt, shame, pride, anger, can all be forms of manipulation. These are not trusting the person to act the way they see fit, but trying to steer them into actions you want.

Not only does mentally running through your future interactions tend to cause suffering prior to the reality of it, but it keeps you from be earnest and open when the actual situation arises - you are too busy trying to get what you want. Ironically, while you may get what you wished, the long term fallout is likely not worth it.

To understand why, look at the other side of the coin. Subconsciously we are pretty good at knowing when someone is being earnest and open or when they are trying to manipulate us to their own ends. Social graces we learn from an early age usually prevent us from pointing out, and often even acknowledging, when we are being manipulated. That doesn't mean you don't sense it on some level. Being manipulated always leaves tiny wounds. If someone has manipulated me, even without my conscious awareness, I won't trust them quite as much. It will have tainted future encounters, reduce trust, and ultimately damage our relationship.

Stop seeing situations as something to control. Simply stating a case and allowing the other person to make whatever decision they feel correct may not get what you want in the short term, but will make you more honest and can improve things, long term.

Any time you find yourself running through a future conversation or tempted to use manipulative emotions to get what you want, examine what you expect. What do you want out of the encounter? How are you trying to alter events? Would you like to be maneuvered like this? Trust the person you're dealing with to respond to your open and direct request. If you don't get what you want, you have done so in an open, honest manner and haven't damaged the relationship. In keeping with that spirit be prepared to live with it.